How to Make the Perfect Sandwich
by Robert D. Brooks
With Subway restaurants popping up around the world like fragmenting herpes, the art of sandwich-making has been lost.
Quizno's appeals to the upper-echelons of the fast-food-fast-as-shit-sandwich-shop demographic by claiming to make a better, toastier sandwich - yet they still don't quite understand.
I think the art of sandwich making was lost some time around the time people started folding sandwiches together. You know, they just shove all the ingredients into the middle of the bread, all willy-nilly, and then just fold it over and roll it up? Then, all of a sudden, you've got reeeeal crazy shit happening like lettuce on both the top and the bottom! That's just not right. It's just wrong.
So, alright you mindless 'sandwich artist' drones, here's how you really make a sandwich...
by Robert D. Brooks
With Subway restaurants popping up around the world like fragmenting herpes, the art of sandwich-making has been lost.
Quizno's appeals to the upper-echelons of the fast-food-fast-as-shit-sandwich-shop demographic by claiming to make a better, toastier sandwich - yet they still don't quite understand.
I think the art of sandwich making was lost some time around the time people started folding sandwiches together. You know, they just shove all the ingredients into the middle of the bread, all willy-nilly, and then just fold it over and roll it up? Then, all of a sudden, you've got reeeeal crazy shit happening like lettuce on both the top and the bottom! That's just not right. It's just wrong.
So, alright you mindless 'sandwich artist' drones, here's how you really make a sandwich...
Let's start from the bottom:
Bread, obviously.
You want a nice medium sliced piece of bread. Not too thick that it makes the sandwich so big that you'd have to be a Harlem Streetwalker just to get your mouth around it.
Bread, obviously.
You want a nice medium sliced piece of bread. Not too thick that it makes the sandwich so big that you'd have to be a Harlem Streetwalker just to get your mouth around it.
And, not too thin - or else the ingredients will break right through.
Butter is for the top piece of bread, although I'll give you a pass if you prefer to butter both the top and the bottom.
Next goes the mustard (I'm going to assume we're making an average type of sandwich, such as: ham and cheese, roast beef, cold cuts, etc... - if you were having egg salad, you'd omit the mustard - if you were having turkey, it would be a judgement call).
Let me stop right here and say that olives should never be put on or near a sandwich. Olives just happen to be the most putrid thing on earth, so stay away. Some people like to add olives (or olive pastes and salsas) to their sandwiches (or, heaven forbid, bake them into the poor, suffering bread) - those people are Blasphemers that should leave now! I mean it. Be gone with you!
OK, back to the recipe... After the mustard comes the meat. This should be a good sized hunk, and the meat should be sliced thin. Don't be afraid to fold it up, just make sure that not too much is hanging out over the edge of the bread (messier to eat).
After the meat comes the cheese. This is important! The cheese should always be right next to the meat.
Round slices of onion go next. Not too much, especially if you plan on kissing anyone afterwards.
Thick (but not too thick) slices of juicy red tomato are the next ingredients to be added to our heavenly sandwich-like creation. If you are adding sliced cucumber, this goes next (cut the cucumber lengthwise into long thin slices about half to two-thirds as thick as the slices of tomato).
Big leafy leaves of lettuce are added next. Be sure to use a nice bushy variety of lettuce, such as butter lettuce.
As a side note: For those devious freaks that like to add Doritos to their sandwiches, one layer of Nacho Cheese Dorito's would go between the lettuce and the tomato (or between the lettuce and the cucumber, if you are using it). I don't necessarily condone this type of activity, but it's better than you'd expect, so I won't denigrate it either.
Most people end the sandwich there. Crazy, I know! But, it's true. They don't understand that a sandwich isn't quite perfect without one more item. And, no, it's not hot peppers (although, fresh hot peppers may be added at your discretion, preferably something Vietnamese).
Sprouts!
No sandwich is complete without a heaping handful of fresh alfalfa (or similar) sprouts (don't you dare use bean sprouts). The sprouts don't really soak up the mayonnaise (a thick layer of which goes on top of your buttered top slice of bread), but the sprouts do give the mayo some place to go - other than dripping out onto your hands. That is also where the butter comes in. The thin layer of butter produces a near-water-tight seal on the bread, preventing the mayo from soaking through the bread and ruining what is becoming the perfect sandwich.
Salt and pepper overtop of the sprouts, and cover with the top slice of bread (buttered and mayo'd, as previously mentioned). Slice the sandwich diagonally, serve with a huge, fresh pickle - and your done!
Presto! A sandwich a true artist could be proud of!
Butter is for the top piece of bread, although I'll give you a pass if you prefer to butter both the top and the bottom.
Next goes the mustard (I'm going to assume we're making an average type of sandwich, such as: ham and cheese, roast beef, cold cuts, etc... - if you were having egg salad, you'd omit the mustard - if you were having turkey, it would be a judgement call).
Let me stop right here and say that olives should never be put on or near a sandwich. Olives just happen to be the most putrid thing on earth, so stay away. Some people like to add olives (or olive pastes and salsas) to their sandwiches (or, heaven forbid, bake them into the poor, suffering bread) - those people are Blasphemers that should leave now! I mean it. Be gone with you!
OK, back to the recipe... After the mustard comes the meat. This should be a good sized hunk, and the meat should be sliced thin. Don't be afraid to fold it up, just make sure that not too much is hanging out over the edge of the bread (messier to eat).
After the meat comes the cheese. This is important! The cheese should always be right next to the meat.
Round slices of onion go next. Not too much, especially if you plan on kissing anyone afterwards.
Thick (but not too thick) slices of juicy red tomato are the next ingredients to be added to our heavenly sandwich-like creation. If you are adding sliced cucumber, this goes next (cut the cucumber lengthwise into long thin slices about half to two-thirds as thick as the slices of tomato).
Big leafy leaves of lettuce are added next. Be sure to use a nice bushy variety of lettuce, such as butter lettuce.
As a side note: For those devious freaks that like to add Doritos to their sandwiches, one layer of Nacho Cheese Dorito's would go between the lettuce and the tomato (or between the lettuce and the cucumber, if you are using it). I don't necessarily condone this type of activity, but it's better than you'd expect, so I won't denigrate it either.
Most people end the sandwich there. Crazy, I know! But, it's true. They don't understand that a sandwich isn't quite perfect without one more item. And, no, it's not hot peppers (although, fresh hot peppers may be added at your discretion, preferably something Vietnamese).
Sprouts!
No sandwich is complete without a heaping handful of fresh alfalfa (or similar) sprouts (don't you dare use bean sprouts). The sprouts don't really soak up the mayonnaise (a thick layer of which goes on top of your buttered top slice of bread), but the sprouts do give the mayo some place to go - other than dripping out onto your hands. That is also where the butter comes in. The thin layer of butter produces a near-water-tight seal on the bread, preventing the mayo from soaking through the bread and ruining what is becoming the perfect sandwich.
Salt and pepper overtop of the sprouts, and cover with the top slice of bread (buttered and mayo'd, as previously mentioned). Slice the sandwich diagonally, serve with a huge, fresh pickle - and your done!
Presto! A sandwich a true artist could be proud of!
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copyright 2006 Robert D. Brooks