The True Story of Santa Claus
The other day I got myself thinking about Santa Claus. The stories you hear about the origins of Santa just never seemed right to me. I'm sure there was a Turkish bishop named Nicolas. And, I'm sure he was fat (and perhaps jolly). But, Turkish?!?
But, where does all the red come from, you might ask? I've never seen an eskimo in a red fur coat!
A ha! But, you probably didn't know about an ancient Inuit tradition whereby menstruating women wipe their monthly discharge overtop their husband's coats (to help water-proof them). They lay the coats down in the center of the igloo, and after sacrificing a small child, the Inuit woman will... Well... Have you ever seen a dog walk across a room, wiping it's ass on the carpet? Well then, you've got the idea.
OK, that explains some things, but what about 'stockings hung by the chimney with care' you might ask?
A ha! But, you probably didn't know about an ancient Inuit tradition whereby menstruating women wipe their monthly discharge overtop their husband's coats (to help water-proof them). They lay the coats down in the center of the igloo, and after sacrificing a small child, the Inuit woman will... Well... Have you ever seen a dog walk across a room, wiping it's ass on the carpet? Well then, you've got the idea.
OK, that explains some things, but what about 'stockings hung by the chimney with care' you might ask?
As we all know, Santa Claus lives at the North Pole. Now, I don't know much about the North Pole (as you may have read, I know a lot more about the South Pole, in fact, I own 1/6th of it). But, I am Canadian, so I do know a little about the North Pole and the Arctic. And, I am positive about one thing: There ain't no bloody Turks up there!
So, there must be a more reasonable explanation for Santa. There just has to be!
What's the one thing the North Pole does have? Eskimo! Sorry, Inuit Peoples! Could Santa be an Eskimo???
Let's think about it... Eskimo are rumored to be - get this - fat AND jolly! They wear large, fur-lined coats and drive sleighs pulled by animals!
So, there must be a more reasonable explanation for Santa. There just has to be!
What's the one thing the North Pole does have? Eskimo! Sorry, Inuit Peoples! Could Santa be an Eskimo???
Let's think about it... Eskimo are rumored to be - get this - fat AND jolly! They wear large, fur-lined coats and drive sleighs pulled by animals!
Well, here we'll have to revisit another ancient Eskimo tradition. After a seal hunt, the meat is butchered for the village. The process of cutting up the meat leaves the seal's esophagus and stomach pretty much untouched. The meat is eaten first, while the stomachs are hung by the fire to dry (so they can be kept longer). Typically, by the end of December, the fresh meat is exhausted and the Inuit are left with these dried stomachs hanging by the fire. It's now time for the surprise! As each stomach will contain the dried remains of whatever that seal ate before being butchered. So, each stocking (sorry, stomach) contains a yummy secret gift for the person who receives it! Inuit children have been known to fight to the death over the contents of a really good stomach!
Even sitting on Santa's lap has a basis in historical reality - every winter in the high arctic, the village elders (or, Inuktitut as they were known) would go from igloo to igloo (often climbing in through the chimney-like hole at the top) and take turns sodomizing the young children within - while drinking breast milk and eating cookies left out for them by the grateful parents.
So, next time you think about Christmas - just remember: Menstrual Blood, sodomy and Dried Seal Innards - and that fluffy white beard is actually a dead animal carcas!
So, next time you think about Christmas - just remember: Menstrual Blood, sodomy and Dried Seal Innards - and that fluffy white beard is actually a dead animal carcas!
Save the Whales! Club a seal instead!
Have a Holly Jolly Christmas...
The tradition of Saint
Nick originated with a
4th Century Turkish
Bishop named Nicolas...
Nick originated with a
4th Century Turkish
Bishop named Nicolas...