How to Have Fun at a Wedding
I was recently at an friend's wedding. We really didn't know anyone there: we were from out of town, it was mostly family, and the remainder of the guests consisted of people who were too old to correctly ascertain who it was that was getting married anyways....
It was a nice ceremony and reception. The location was splendid: the finest golf club in the city. Posh and conservative. On every table sat a disposable 35mm camera. As is common with many weddings these days, the bride and groom expect to save some money on a professional photographer by having their guests do all the work for them. What's next, asking your best man to bar tend?!?
Anyways, I digress.... As many of you know, I absolutely hate snap-shots. They are the downfall of our society today (barring the Bush Administration anyways)! Go look in your photo album. Look for the day your Father died - or something else equally horrible. You're human, there must be something! Now, look through all your pictures from that time, and every single one will be a bunch of fools smiling stupidly, looking straight at the camera.
If aliens landed on Earth - and the only record they could find of Humanity was our photographs - they'd think we were a species of crazy-eyed smiley-freaks. Unless they also saw our magazines, in which case, they'd assume there was also a more powerful human species of emaciated heroin junkies that ruled the planet with tiny dogs. Actually, now that I think about it, they wouldn't be that far off, now would they? Hmmm....
It was a nice ceremony and reception. The location was splendid: the finest golf club in the city. Posh and conservative. On every table sat a disposable 35mm camera. As is common with many weddings these days, the bride and groom expect to save some money on a professional photographer by having their guests do all the work for them. What's next, asking your best man to bar tend?!?
Anyways, I digress.... As many of you know, I absolutely hate snap-shots. They are the downfall of our society today (barring the Bush Administration anyways)! Go look in your photo album. Look for the day your Father died - or something else equally horrible. You're human, there must be something! Now, look through all your pictures from that time, and every single one will be a bunch of fools smiling stupidly, looking straight at the camera.
If aliens landed on Earth - and the only record they could find of Humanity was our photographs - they'd think we were a species of crazy-eyed smiley-freaks. Unless they also saw our magazines, in which case, they'd assume there was also a more powerful human species of emaciated heroin junkies that ruled the planet with tiny dogs. Actually, now that I think about it, they wouldn't be that far off, now would they? Hmmm....
So, I thought I'd give my friend a very special gift. Everyone's Wedding Album is filled with nothing but the usual pictures of people smiling at the camera. The only difference is: Is it a two-shot or a three-shot? Or, is it one of those awkward one's where everybody squeezes around to one side of the table? Sure, there might be the odd shot of someone giving (what I'm sure was a wonderful) speech, dancing, cutting the cake, etc... But, really, how interesting is that? Once you've seen one Wedding Album in your life, believe me, you've seen 'em all! Not that every single married person you've ever met hasn't tried to sell you on the fact that their Wedding Album is different, special, wondrous! They are never, ever right.
So, back to my special gift. I thought: 'let's show this future generation of Wedding Album Slaves, forced to sit through yet another forced-wedding-album-viewing what this wedding was really like! The 'behind-the-scenes/ugly-truth,' if you will.
It started out nice. Everyone looked elegant in their best attire.
The food is probably the last thing the bride and groom remember about the reception. But, at $50 a head, I'm sure the Bride's Father would love to know how it all went down. This shot's for him!
Meanwhile...
Some naughty, naughty things were happening in the bathroom...
At fancy parties, the help always tend to get ignored (as in life). So, not wanting to make them feel left out, I went into the kitchen and took portraits of the wait-staff. Unfortunately, I'm not allowed to show you those photos - apparently, Imigration has internet access...
Some naughty, naughty things were happening in the bathroom...
At fancy parties, the help always tend to get ignored (as in life). So, not wanting to make them feel left out, I went into the kitchen and took portraits of the wait-staff. Unfortunately, I'm not allowed to show you those photos - apparently, Imigration has internet access...
What a party! The guests weren't even bothering to go into the bathroom to snort their coke! They were doing lines right there on the dinner tables...
You know the old wives-tale about cocaine:
'crystalline tropane alkaloids and then beer - everything's clear. Crystalline tropane alkaloids and then liquor - you'll only get sicker...'
'crystalline tropane alkaloids and then beer - everything's clear. Crystalline tropane alkaloids and then liquor - you'll only get sicker...'
When taking wedding photos, most photographers make the critical mistake of overlooking the urinals...
A hard night of toasting has finally taken it's toll.
Unfortunately, I didn't have a spare wedding dress on me - or else I'm sure the Groom would have been surprised to open up his wedding photos only to find a picture of the bride having sex with one of the ushers in the coat-check room! Maybe next time...
Unfortunately, I didn't have a spare wedding dress on me - or else I'm sure the Groom would have been surprised to open up his wedding photos only to find a picture of the bride having sex with one of the ushers in the coat-check room! Maybe next time...
THE FOLLOWING IS A TRUE STORY - THE PHOTOGRAPHS ARE REAL AND UNTOUCHED AND ARE THE NEWLYWED COUPLE'S ACTUAL WEDDING PHOTOS
I got a shot of one of the guests ordering a hooker - and another of someone pulling what looks like a used condom from out of the wedding cake.
Funny wedding photography & photographers story from DamnThe.com